I Hate Living In This Desert
I have been living in a desert for almost 40 years and I don’t like it at all. I am almost 40 years old and it feels to me that I am reliving what the people of Israel lived while they were in the desert for 40 years. I will share with you some of my life’s stories so you can try to understand and get to know me a little bit better.
I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. I was adopted by a Christian and The Best Family in the world. They loved me and taught me the world of God. Back then, the teaching of the Bible was a little bit different than now. Back then, the teachings were in some cases very extreme. What we call now legalistic. But, I am glad that it happened. Now I appreciate the Love, Mercy, and Grace of God even more.
The problems for me started when I realized that I was living in a desert. I was not living in a literal desert, but like the people of Israel, despite that I was loved, taken care of, and never went one day without food, I realized 2 things. One, that I was poor, and that I was adopted. When I say poor I don’t mean middle class, I mean poor. The house pets were roaches and mouses plus a lot of mosquitos.
And on top of that, I realized that my biological parents didn’t even want me and they gave me away. At least that was what I thought during that time. So I develop this crazy and very unhealthy abandonment issue. Which I still struggling to this day. Thinking that I am not enough and that I have to prove to people and even to God that I am worth something.
During my elementary school, I was an ok student. Mostly because my mom did all my homework and assignments. I barely study for anything but I am good at retaining information that I hear or see so I did pretty well during the school tests. Because of it, and because I was poor, I received a $300 check from the school department. Some type of scholarship to honor decent students who lack financial resources. At the age of 10 years old, I knew what it felt like to have money on my own and to be able to buy whatever I wanted.
During this time, I used to watch a lot of basketball with my brother. And he always talked about the players and their sneakers. It gives them an identity and some sore of value. And they were very expensive so whoever was wearing a pair of shoes from an NBA player was seen as a person with money and value. So I said to myself, if I have one of these shoes, people are going to like me, and I will look like I have money.
And there it was. In my young and very immature brain, I have solved 2 of my major problems at the time. A part of shoes is going to change my life. People are going to love me, I will no longer be poor and I will suffer abandonment issues no more. So I went and bought the Air Scottie Pippen shoes. And guess what; it works. The first day that I showed up at school with those shoes, it felt like I had a 20-ton magnet for people.
Everyone wanted to talk to me and hang out with me. I even made friends with older kids from other grades. Everyone wanted to be my friend and it felt good. So there it is, at such a young age, I am solving problems that my parents couldn’t solve for me. I thought that I was at the top of the world. But, like everything in life, it must come to an end. I ran out of money very quickly and time passed and new sneakers came out but I couldn’t afford them. But other kids’ parents could so I went back to square one.
No friends, no money. Poor, insignificant, depressed, and unwanted. At least that was how I felt at the time. So at such a young age, I made a promise to myself. I will do everything and anything that I can to never be poor and to be loved. No matter what I have to do I will do it because I don’t want or like to feel unloved and unworthy.
I never liked school. So I knew that going to college and making a career on something like a lawyer or a doctor and making a lot of money that way, was not going to work for me. So I found a new career opportunity. One that doesn’t require a degree, or a diploma, or a minimum age for that matter. Anybody with a willing heart and the desire to succeed and make some money can do it. And that was selling drugs, illegal guns, lying, stealing, scamming, and manipulation.
I started with little lies, that led to little scams that led to selling drugs at school. From such a young age, I knew that I had a gift for convincing people to do what I wanted. Some people call it good salesman skills, others call it a great manipulator. All I know is that If I wanted to, I could sell anything to anyone. A product, an idea, whatever. By the time I was in middle school, I had a group of people that would do everything for me. Buy me lunch every day, do all my homework for me, even do my school test for me. They will take the tests and put my name on it and then we swap papers.
I was making a little money, And I was one of the very few kids that had a beeper and a cell phone. So I was somebody in the eyes of what I called my friends then. I was not alone anymore, I was loved, I was important, I was popular, and I had everything that I wanted. So life was great and I was finally happy. As I mentioned I didn’t like school and I wanted to drop out of school. But my parents insisted that I needed to finish school. So I went to a private school program where I did all my high school years in just 13 months. So I finished school very fast, and I was very happy with that.
By the time I was 20 years old, I was unstoppable. I had everything that I ever wanted. Money, popularity, cars, jewelry, expensive clothes, a kid, I was even married. But everything comes crashing down. I got in a lot of trouble with the law and with not-too-friendly people in the streets. So I was arrested a couple of times, and I was facing a long time in prison. Because of my legal and street conflicts, I lost it all. So I was back again to square one. Poor, and unwanted, but now I am older and with a lot more responsibilities.
Now my problems are bigger because I tasted the power and influence of having a lot of money. Being broke in your early 20s is not fun at all. But the Grace of God is unbelievable. I found Him again and He gave me another opportunity. I got saved, got married, and moved to the USA to start a new life with my new wife in a new place without distraction, family, or temptations. Just what I needed.
I worked hard. I even went to college for 2 years. By the way, I still paying my student loans to this day so I am not sure it was worth it but it is ok. I got the opportunity to work for great companies such as Nestle USA and Coca-Cola. But I always had some type of side hustle. I never believe in working for someone else. I always consider myself a go-getter and I know that working for someone else will always have limitations.
So side hustles become businesses. And I was fortunate enough to build something nice. And I started to see some good money coming in. So guess what? I had a taste again of how it feels to have money, and feel important, loved, and wanted. And like drugs, once you taste it and you like it, you want more and more. So I started doing what I knew best. manipulating, lying, and cheating so I could make more money faster. And as you can imagine, I lost it all again. I had to file for bankruptcy.
During this crazy time, I am trying to find answers with God. And God gives me a word that my calling is to help the Hispanic Community. Teaching them about Stewardship and Business. And for a second I was thrilled. Because I really like talking about money and about businesses. But I said to myself; how can I speak and help others with their money and business questions when I am broke? So I decided to put that call on hold and try to make some money first.
And guess what? I did it again. I started a new business and I started to make some money again. And guess what? I did it again. I got greedy, and I wanted more. So I started cheating, lying, and manipulating, everything and everyone so I could make more money faster. And guess what? I lost it all again. And in less than 5 years I have 2 bankruptcies now. Now you start getting the picture of why I feel like I have been living in a desert for 40 years.
God Blesses me but for me is never enough when in reality is plenty. When I follow His will everything goes well but when I decided to take control I screw things up. And I am afraid that this pattern will never change. But I have Faith that the One who started the work in me will finish it and one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to walk on his will and fulfill my real purpose and calling on this earth.
So, because I no longer want to be in this desert and I want to get into the promised land, I am writing this. I am a very private person, and I don’t like to share things with anybody. I don’t even use social media. But for some reason that I don’t know, God wants me to share my little experiences with others when it comes to stewardship and business. I am not sure if I will have positive guidance, tips pieces of advice, or the right things to say. But at least I know that I can share a lot of what not to do.
Trust me when I say that I am super uncomfortable doing this because I don’t think that I have the right qualifications or background to share these things with others. Nor do I think this is the right time because I am going through my second bankruptcy right now and I have a job that I don’t like at all. I am broke, I am not a writer, and I am not succeeding in any area of my life right now. But I feel like God is insisting I share it so I am trying to be obedient. I know this first blog is probably too long but I just wanted to give you all a brief introduction of who I am, and why I am doing this. Stay toon and I will be sharing more content soon.
